At the weekend I decided to bite the bullet and throw my heart and soul into designing and working a spell to get my old job back. I left my part-time job in October to start a full-time role in a very different setting, thinking it would be a good opportunity to try something different. Never mind that I’d always thought I’d never want to work in an office; I was determined to leave the role I’d been in for the past three years or so and try something new.
Switching to full-time work was partly a financial decision, as my fiance and I have a wedding to plan and pay for by early 2014! But it was more a decision based on feeling stuck and irritable in my role, a sense of wanting to try something different. My fiance gently questioned my motives; did I really want to give up the twelve weeks holiday I enjoyed every year? Did I really want to work longer hours while studying my final year of my undergraduate degree? Did I really want to switch from working with kids to working with a computer? I was adamant I wanted to leave and so, I did.
Fast forward three months and I felt as if I’d made the world’s worst decision. I would arrive at work and head straight for the toilets before bursting into tears. I started having panic attacks during the day, meaning regular trips to the loo to try to calm down. I felt overwhelmed and even more trapped than before. As for studying, I had no idea how I’d find the time to pass my degree, let alone get the 1st I’d been working so hard towards. I felt scared, stuck and sick. I was worried I’d slip into a depression or that the panic attacks would get worse. My previous workplace had always been so supportive of my studies and allowed me to work flexible days and hours. Going back might be a long shot, but I had to find out. I contacted HR and faced a weekend wait to find out if returning was possible. I decided to cast a spell to manifest my old working hours.
The spell involved writing, music and candlelight. I’ve always loved writing and it’s through writing that I feel most ‘alive’ and therefore generate the most energy. Whenever I write a poem or short story, or a blog post, I become completely absorbed in what I’m doing. It’s when I’m best able to visualise and concentrate. Afterwards I’m usually a little light-headed, my hands shake, my wrist hurts, and I feel as if I’ve really created and accomplished something. If I can create a poem from scratch, from an idea to the finished product, I figured I could create my life, write it out and make it reality. I decided to write as if I was writing five years from now, giving advice to someone unsure of which path to take career-wise. I started by writing about why returning to my old job was so essential in helping me achieve my dreams: passing my degree, having time to study Reiki, crystal healing, tarot and other disciplines; how working with children allowed me to set up various workshops and how my blogging skills were utilised in my role. I wrote down everything I’d do if I really did get my old job back, all of the reasons why I’d appreciate it more and make the most of the opportunities it presented, and I wrote about aligning my passions, values and skills. I wrote about the writing career that unfolded and the healing sessions and life guidance sessions I ran and the fact that I now had an office at home as well as a healing room. I was self-employed, successful and happy. I was in control. My advice to those starting out was ‘if you can imagine it, you can create it. Do not be afraid. Trust yourself’. I felt so alive by the time I finished writing! I could feel such energy coming from me, which I directed into the candle and out into the world after a period of meditation and drumming. It was going to work! I just knew it.
Only, it didn’t work. Or at least it hasn’t worked… Yet. I found out yesterday that there aren’t currently any hours available at my old place of work, but that they would keep me on file. Surprisingly I didn’t fall to pieces, cry, have a panic attack or feel helpless. I got on with work. Then I went for a walk at lunch time and sat on a bench in a pretty park nearby, breathing in the scent of mud and of winter air. I felt calm. There was something soothing about how quiet and still it was outside. I found a small chapel nearby and visited it briefly, finding comfort in the incense and the darkness. I thought to myself ‘I’m still moving. I’m still alive.’ Then I set about trying to unpick the lesson hidden within the situation.
I haven’t fully worked it out yet, but what I do know is that writing down my future wasn’t a waste of time. I still feel invigorated at the thought of my goals coming true, of writing, guiding and healing, of being self-employed, of choosing to create my very own unique career path. I’m worried about finishing my degree and I don’t really feel as if my passions, values and skills align in my current job, but I no longer feel as drastic about it as I did before. There are currently no hours available at my previous job and so I must get on with life the best I can, maybe looking for other jobs and keeping an eye on my old workplace in case any vacancies occur.
The spell may not have had immediate results, but I suspect it has taken a route unclear to me in the present moment. Perhaps it will manifest in the future, taking a detour or two along the way. I suppose what I’m suspecting is that if we cast a spell and it doesn’t ‘work’, it doesn’t mean it was a failed attempt. The Goddess and God may know we have better options coming our way. I always include ‘if it’s for me, so mote it be, so long as it harms none’ in my spells, because I only want to manifest that which won’t cause harm and that which is the very best option for me. I’m taking my weekend spell experience as a sign to believe and to have faith, in myself especially.
It may not have manifested yet, but the energy I felt was real. The magic worked; I just need to have faith that the right outcome is unfolding.